Surviving Twin Boy Toddlers?

Yes, it has been quite some time since I've last posted.  I bet y'all can guess why?  Twin boys plus a 5 month old ain't no joke!  They are keeping me extremely busy and exhausted! 
So I would remember these crazy times, I thought I would document all the antics I have been dealing with lately.  Anyone with twin boy toddlers out there reading?  I would LOVE some advice on how to discipline them and channel their energy.  They are non stop all the time!  They don't listen.  I have tried spanking, time out, taking things away, etc.  Nothing seems to work.  They would rather do what they want to do and take the punishment. Don't even get me started on the sleeping situation.  Let me tell you, it's party every night and every morning.  So here's where we are...
At the end of the day I am ready to literally kill them or at least give them up for adoption...Anyone interested in two 3 year old boys?...ha ha, didn't think so.  No refunds!  Ha I'm totally kidding...kinda. As much as I love these little boogers, they can infuriate me beyond belief.  There is no rhyme or reason to the toddler mind.  
Tantrums:
Once they get their mind set on something if it doesn't happen (God forbid) then all hell breaks loose.  I thought the tantrums would calm down by now but no.  I have tried ignoring, diverting attention (doesn't work), putting them in time out and spanking.  Nothing seems to phase them.
TOTAL Destruction:
Anything they touch WILL be destroyed.  I have given up on the fact that I will have anything nice ever again.  They break or destroy everything!  Here are just a few of the fun things I've had to deal within the past few weeks...
They got into the locked laundry room and dumped and entire bottle of laundry detergent all over the carpet. They sprayed Febreze all over their room (thank God it was Febreze and not poop this time). They got into the kitchen cabinet and dumped an entire box of carpet cleaner all over their bed and floor.  They also confiscated liquid floor cleaner and dish soap which ended up all over their carpet. It burned my eyes to go in their room to clean it up because of all the strong smells, but at least it wasn't poop.  I'm honestly surprised they haven't killed themselves before now. They literally tried to burn the house down. Somehow they found matches and snuck them back to their room.  I am pretty sure they at least tried to strike some to burn but thank the Lord they didn't start a fire!  Awesome.  They grabbed a whole box of juice boxes out of the pantry and dumped every single box on their floor and bed.  Nothing like the smell of semi burned matches and stale apple juice.  Yum.  Again, how are they/we alive?  Feel free to send DSS to my house.  I promise they will return the boys quickly ha ha.   When were at the beach, I immediately went into the room they were staying in and took every picture off the wall, turned the dresser and nightstand around so they couldn't get in the drawers, and tried to lock all doors (fail-the child locks don't work anymore).  They can get past the child locks better than I can.  I moved all decorations, etc out of the room and thought there wasn't possibly anything they could destroy.  WRONG!!  How about pulling the lamps mounted on the wall out of the wall and breaking them?  OR ruining the blinds?  Pulling the bed post off.  In all honesty that may have already been done, but they probably did that last year, lol.  As you can see, I have my hands full. It is rare we make it through a meal without them spilling something or making some sort of mess.  The thoughts of them actually sitting at the table through a whole meal is wishful thinking too.   I spend most of my days cleaning up after them and while I'm cleaning up after them, they are creating another mess somewhere else.   I have caught them standing on the sofa and ottoman and peeing off of it thinking it's hilarious!   When I put Van in time out in his room, he gets back at me by peeing all over the floor and rug. Bath time usually ends with a flood on the floor.    Penises Everywhere!
By the way what's underwear?  Nude is how we roll at our house.  They hate clothes and undies.  If you stop by our house you will most likely find the boys running around naked or at least with undies on.  I have given up on trying to get them to wear clothes when we're at home.  It's a fight enough to get them ready for the day.  I literally have to pin them down sometimes kicking and screaming at me.  Fun.  Anything to do with poop or farting is hilarious!!  I mean hilarious!  Did I mention they aren't only flopping around butt naked but they also play with themselves.  I mean gross!  Why do boys do this?  I am constantly saying, stop playing with yourself!  Put on your undies!  Quit grabbing yourself!  I have a feeling this one won't ever stop.  : /  
Running Away
They think it's hilarious to gang up on me and run away when we're out.  It's 1 on 3 so I'm definitely outnumbered.  I totally look like an out of control parent and I guess I am.  I'm sure the other moms at school think I have no control when I'm carrying a baby running down the hall chasing 2 going in opposite directions.  I am holding my tongue trying not to scream and yell.  Yes, I'm that mom.  The mom you want to tell to get her kids under control out in public.  Trust me if you were in my shoes, you would have a different view.
Screaming/Whining
This one doesn't bother me as much as it bothers Adam, but when they are put in their room they will scream like someone is cutting them with a knife sometimes for hours.  They are relentless and can let it rip like no other.  As bad as it sounds you have to ignore it.  I have found if you give in to them it only makes it worse.  Lately when Van doesn't get his way, he will run up to me look me square in the face and scream as loud as he can in my face.  It's wrong to slap him silly right? Ha ha just kidding.  The whining about everything is what gets me.  Just talk like a normal human being!  You don't have to whine about every single thing! At the risk of being quite frank, if you don't have twin boys then you have no freaking clue how hard it is!  I wanted children, yes of course, but this has surpassed my wildest dreams as to how hard being a parent could be.  Things I never thought I would do as a mom I do.  I am in survival mode most days.  I feel like I'm ruining my children because I loose patience with them so much.  By the end of the week I am totally exhausted and my patience has gone.  I find myself yelling at them and snapping easily.  I just know I'm screwing them up for life.    I know I sound like I hate being a mom, but seriously I love being a boy mom and wouldn't have it any other way!  Yes times are extremely hard right now with 3 little ones but the moments when they come give you hugs, tell you they love you or want to be doing exactly what you're doing melt my heart.  They really are sweet little boys just so full of life!  It's hard to explain but as frustrating as they are, you can't even describe the love you have for them.  
I just want to raise good solid Christian boys and am trying the best way I know how right now to survive and not screw them up too much.  I pray I will know how to discipline them the right way so they will become wonderful young men.  
Ok boy moms!  Please please give me any advice for what worked or didn't for you.